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Posts Tagged ‘work’

I look at my hands

like they are digital

and bright

with messages and ads

on them.

 

I don’t feel capable

of nurturing you.

I stare at screens

too much

to pay attention to you.

 

I can’t have free time

when I feel guilty

being mindless.

 

I remember you

but I forget how to

handle you.

I care about you

and don’t care about you

until it is over.

Then you become

something else.

 

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Photo credit: amanid.blogspot.com

Photo credit: amanid.blogspot.com

“It is so hard to leave–

until you leave.

And then it is

the easiest

goddamned thing

in the world,”

author John Green

says in his novel,

Paper Towns.

 

Thinking about

leaving can be

the hardest

part.

Like leaving

high school

and my first

job

and old

relationships

and throwing

away things

that I’ve saved

for way too long

but thought I

would some day

have a use for.

 

Over thinking

is heartbreaking.

But when the actual

act of leaving

is worse than

thinking about it,

maybe

there is something

that shouldn’t

be let go.

Maybe there is

a way around it.

Maybe there

is a way to

bring people

with you.

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I figured out

today

that what

drives me also

divides me.

When I wake up

from a nap

I am two people.

I am the person

I was before

that nap

and the person

after.

I have decisions

to make now,

I have a place

to disconnect

from.

I have to get

back to work

and I have to

somehow

convince myself

that going back

to sleep

will not solve

anything

because if it could

then it

would have already

happened.

I think that a nap

could push me,

it could be

the one thing

that makes me

finish that essay

or that reading

response

from Hell.

So I take that

nap and indulge

in giving in.

Because sometimes

giving in

is the only way

I feel like

time isn’t getting

past me.

I feel like something

will happen

after I do this

for myself.

After I finally

let my body

fold into

itself,

curl into

my mind,

And then I can

wake up

to something

different,

Something

that has always

been there,

But something

within it

that I have

never seen

before.

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